Tuesday July 26 2016  TWO YESES—ONE NO

Confession time!  I can’t remember if I wrote about the topic of this blog recently or if I just thought about it.  I think it is too good to go unwritten, so here goes.  If one of you feels it is your duty to let me know that I have already written it, please send me the date I published it.

Before Dave and I married we laid down some ideas and guidelines that we wanted to follow in our marriage.  For the younger crowd, remember that 43 years ago we felt as modern then as you do now.  It was not the dark ages.  We were forging different paths than our parents, just as many of the young people are doing today, as we progressed into adulthood.  From the woman’s point of view, if both partners worked outside the home then both should share the work INSIDE the home!  No yard work was considered because, like most young couples, our first dwelling was an apartment.

It didn’t take long for us to discover that we had a lot more topics to discuss in order to make a marriage that was going to be built on a solid foundation.  We wanted a balance of power which included collective decision making and keeping a balanced budget.  No two more opposite people could have been yoked together than Dave and I.  Thank goodness for Dave’s deliberate, slow, rationality.  And thank goodness for my upbeat, spontaneous outlook.  One was quiet, one was talkative.  One wore browns in many shades, the other flamboyant colors.  One was slow to commit and the other rapidly involved in everything that came along.  Maybe you can see the pattern here.  I won’t even ask if you know who is who!

Before our marriage we dated long distance and spent a total of 23 days together over an eighth month period. We were engaged for four of those eight months.  And I think that God had it all planned that way or we may have never gotten married.  Even I can be SOMEWHAT quiet for 23 days out of eight months.

The first year was a difficult year for us.  Our marriage had its difficulties during the first year as husband and wife.  God did a miraculous work in my life, my attitude, and my behavior.  Had He not, our marriage may not have survived.  All I can say is that I am so grateful for the plans we developed together to ensure that we both had a voice in our family.  Our plan was the “TWO YESES–ONE NO” solution.  We decided to do this very early in our marriage.

Here is how it works.  Any time we had a major decision to make we agreed that we both needed to say yes or it wouldn’t happen.  If one of us said no, then the other would not try to change their mind, would not pout, no cold shoulder, and never use that decision making process to hurt the other.  We have used this method our entire marriage and it has worked beautifully.

Here is an example.  When we both agreed to move to Wisconsin it was in December, just before Christmas.  Dave’s new employer flew us out for one week to buy a house.  Remember, we were green horns from California, seasons were unknown to us, Wisconsin had shorter daylight hours in December, and we had never lived in snow country.  We were quickly introduced to all three.  So the house hunt began.  There were very few properties on the market.  No one wanted to show their house the week before Christmas, the daylight hours were short, we froze to death (it was in the 40 degree range), and the snow scared us.

I wanted to live in the country.  Dave wanted to live in a neighborhood with lots and lots of houses.  We would go into one house and before I even got out of the car I knew it was a “NO”.  Sometimes I didn’t even want to go into the house but Dave quietly coaxed me as the families had gone to lengths to accommodate our intrusion at such a busy time of year.  When we drove up to a country home, for Dave that was a preconceived “NO”. 

There was no bickering, no trying to persuade the other into buying what they didn’t want, just a simple, no and we left.  This went on for three or four days that ended at about 4:00 p.m. when it got dark.  If we were purchasing a home we at least wanted to see what the yard and neighborhood looked like.  And remember, I wasn’t looking for a neighborhood.  Neither one of us sulked, got frustrated, or angry with the other.  We simply kept plodding on.

And then it happened.  We stopped back by a house we had looked at previously that neither one of us could decide on for certain.  It was in a neighborhood, a yes vote for Dave.  The neighborhood was in the country a few miles from town.  A maybe yes vote for me, but I wasn’t completely committed.    The house was about 26 years old, had housed a family with eight children, it was empty of furniture, the kitchen was literally falling apart, the rooms were boxy and it was quite large.  It had the original carpeting, (remember 16 little kid feet trampling on it), bright psychedelic foil wallpaper adorning some of its walls, a busy circle plaster design on the ceilings, and if you touched the walls they felt like you were scraping against rough sand.  The outside of the house was all brick, with an outdoor setting of 5 acres surrounding it.  It felt like I was in the country as I looked out the window  in the gloomy afternoon light.  There were no leaves on the trees, and everything looked dead covered in the snow.

I slid down the prickly wall of the brown,empty dining room and just stared at the expansive space.  Dave came in, looked down at me and slid down the wall beside me (that was when we were young enough to get back up).  Then our realtor finds us sitting there and he slides down the wall.  We are all quietly contemplating our own inner thoughts.  Dave and I look at each other and at the same time, as the light was fading, said, “YES”.  That was all that was said.  I immediately stood up, Dave stood up, and the other Dave (the realtor) stood up.  He asked us if we were ready to go look at another house now.  I turned to him and said no, we’re done.  We chose this one.  David the realtor looked perplexed.  He asked, “You are buying this one?”  “Yes”, we replied.  He then asks, “What just happened here?”

We told him that we both said, “YES”.  “But I didn’t hear any discussion”, was his comment back.  We explained to him that none was needed.  And that was it.  We bought the house in December and moved in after the first of the year.  No arguments and no further discussion was needed.  We were both satisfied and happy.  We have lived here 30 years.  We have made it into a comfortable home and it has served us well.

TWO YESES—ONE NO.  We often muse at all the bickering and fighting we have not gone through these past 43 years since the TWO YES–ONE NO plan was put in place.  We have used that principal for deciding about adopting, decision to try for a pregnancy, not having additional children, child rearing, vacations, large purchases, investments, and so much more.  To my knowledge neither one of us have ever used it as a tool to “get even” with another for not giving in to something he or she wanted to do.  Those kinds of thoughts just never entered our mind. 

I believe God had and still has a purpose for Dave and I to be together.  And I believe it was God who gave us such wonderful ideas of how to make our relationship work for the both of us and for our children.  I don’t know how people make it through life without the knowledge that God provides in His Living Word.  God’s Word has been our road map through our life together.  And I thank God every day for working a miracle in my life so that I could become the wife God wanted me to be, for the man He brought to me.

 

TWO YESES–ONE NO

By Kathleen Martens

July 26, 2016

 

So many decisions

We must make

So many paths

We must take.

 

How to decide

On what to do?

And what to spend

On something new?

 

How can two agree

On the same

When everyone plays

A different game?

 

Decisions are made

Before the event

If money is involved

That must be spent.

 

It all boils down

That each one knows

It takes two yeses

But just one no.

 

One thing to remember

Before you get there

First ask God

In sincere prayer.

 

No hard feelings

No arguments entail

If all THREE agree,

Yeses definitely prevail.

 

Thank You God for giving Dave and me nuggets of wisdom throughout our years together.

Thank You for harmony in our home.

Thank You Father that You are a good, good Father.

Lord, I thank You for blessing the words I have written today that they will touch the hearts of others.

And Lord, thank You for our home that You provided for us.

 

YEAH!  It is only 4:08 p.m. and I am finished! (Except for proofing and editing and publishing).

GOOD NIGHT AND GOD BLESS YOU!

P.S.  It is 5:02 p.m. and I AM DONE!