Friday June 3 2016  THE BIG FOUR ZERO

Quickly approaching is our daughter’s 40^th birthday.  The big 4—0.  As I look back and remember my approaching 40^th birthday I felt ancient.  For some reason I really did feel that way.  My 40’s were difficult years due to my intense work and my poor health.  Some of my maladies were actually from health situations I inherited, but most were due to my lifestyle.  I lived on caffeine, ate foods that were not healthy for me, loved chocolate and in one year gained 50 pounds.  I had what I believed to be one of the most demanding jobs possible.  The responsibility of my position was astronomical to me and I took it very seriously.  I was a day care provider who watched infants.  My employee and I would have a new batch of newborns and nurtured them until they were two years old.  Then we began with a new set of eight tiny precious babies.  It was back breaking, stressful, long hours, and under-appreciated by some of the parents, (others thought we were like magic) as we “graduated” happy and well-adjusted toddlers. 

It was a very serious position and I was always on alert.  I could tell endless stories of the good, the bad, and the smelly!  I think I may have even cared for a few of the “ugly” but I was never convinced after falling in love with each one.  As much as I loved them, I was never so happy to finally close my doors and step into the world of photography.  I began studying and learning photography long before I embarked on opening my own studio.  I never regretted beginning a new career when I was 50 years old.

And now my daughter is catching up to where I was.  She has a lot more going for her than I did at her age.  She belies her age in looks, has the body any twenty year old would covet, she has a wonderful husband (just as I had one too), two dogs, and no kids!  She too is on a new adventure in life training to become a general manager of an upscale restaurant.  Her job will probably be stressful, working long hours, and at times back breaking work.  She is currently training in Philadelphia but a problem has already cropped up.  The restaurant owner, who also owns the new restaurant opening in Florida, which our daughter will be managing, told her that several of his good employees in Philadelphia want to transfer to Florida so they can work for our daughter.  So, I guess that is a good thing.

As I sit back and think of the past 40 years it seems amazing that so much time has passed, and so quickly.  It has been an awesome experience to see the beautiful little baby girl we brought home from the hospital grow and mature into the beautiful woman she is today.  It has been interesting to see how she blossomed as an adult through her own self-discovery as the years accumulated.  Somehow she has always seemed to be older and wiser than her years.  It may have seemed more so to me because I never ever felt wise or grown up.  When I turned 55 years old I asked myself the question, am I now really grown up?  To be truthful, I don’t know if I am even yet.  And so I ask myself the question, how could I feel old at 40 and not even feel grown up.  Perhaps if I had felt grown up at 40 I might not have felt like I was so old.  If that is the case, then I now feel grown up, because I no longer feel old!  I am just the same me as I was when I was born, with lots of experiences, between then and now. 

This morning I was pondering the question “Who Am I”

This is how I noodled through it.

WHO AM I? 

By Kathleen Martens

June 3 2016

Am I the sum total of all my years?

The lost little girl who cried many tears?

A result of the adolescent years I had

When I felt like I wanted to kill my dad?

The one with young heartache giving up my love

Crying out desperately to God above?

Am I the young bride with the man of my dreams,

Forty three years passed, but yesterday it seems?

Am I the young woman caressing her babe

Who fulfilled my desire as a mother she made?

Am I the housewife going to work each day,

Worn out and overworked in life’s busy fray?

Am I the caretaker for the children of others,

Less time to be with my daughter and her brother?

Am I the passion that fueled my soul

Capturing memories to treasure, my photographer’s goal?

Am I now just simply old, no title, but free,

Retired and happy, so I can be just me?

So who am I and why was I born?

What purpose have I now older and worn?

And so I ask God what answer has He?

For just what reason did He create me?

And deep in my soul he spoke to my heart.

I was born for eternity so we would never part.

He told me I was the daughter of The King

And that our mutual love much joy would bring.

That I have a mission which before me stands,

To share His love with each woman, each man.

That my words will speak long after I’m gone,

So others will experience a bright new dawn.

He instructed me to comfort and always speak kind

So that God’s Word many would find.

To live simply with grace, and be a shining light

To help others survive their darkest nights.

And to reach out and touch and offer prayers,

So those who are hurting know someone else cares.

With intentional purpose I must run my race,

And with integrity intact help others to face

All the questions and doubts that nag at their heart,

So when they meet God they need not depart.

But the greatest answer God helped me to see

Was that He created me, to be me.

Born as a sinner to receive His grace

So that I one day will behold His face.

And though the world full of chaos and so wild,

His answer to me:  “YOU ARE MY CHILD”.

And so now I know exactly who I am.

I am a co-heir with Christ, I’m God’s precious lamb.

Thank You God that I was born a child of man, saved by grace, transformed into the Child of God, created that my words would be a beacon to the lost and hurting, that others too would have the opportunity to become sons and daughters of the King of kings.

GOOD NIGHT AND GOD BLESS EACH OF YOU!

P.S.  I emailed Rebecca this afternoon, along with a copy of today’s yet unpublished blog, and asked her if I could use this information in today’s publication.  I do not write things about others without first asking permission to do so.  Below is Rebecca’s response.  I thought I would include it so you can see why she touches my heart so.

“Hi Mom

Your blog is great. You forgot to mention that no matter how old your daughter gets she always needs her parents though and feels so blessed that she has them!! I love you both so very much!!! I’m so happy to read that and know you are in such a better place now than then. I am so proud of all you have done to get there and all that you continue to do to stay there. I love you Momma Bear!!! Xoxox”