Wednesday March 23 2016  A BUCKETFUL OF POSITIVE SELF ESTEEM

I randomly opened a page in a book, (which I don’t even know what its title was) and the phrase that caught my eye was “…parents need to give their children a bucketful of positive self-esteem…”  That phrase stuck with me. 

As a child I was never complimented by my parents.  I yearned for recognition and positive affirmation but it was not to be had at home.  As a little girl I would ask, “Do I look pretty mama?”  Her reply: “Pretty is, as pretty does”.  So I looked elsewhere.  I found it at school when I worked hard to be the best student I could be.  However, I must say I failed greatly in one area.  The note on my report card always said, “Kathleen would be an excellent student if she could just learn to control her mouth”.  Unfortunately that still hasn’t happened.  It’s a good thing I no longer receive report cards.  Until I learned how to read cursive I was spared from the teacher’s expose of words on my behalf.  So I went along on my merry way and just enjoyed life.

Also, while growing up with a strict religious mother, there were many things I was not allowed to do because of “religious beliefs”.  I was singled out at school because I was not allowed to participate in the four square dance “because our church didn’t believe in dancing”.  I definitely could not go to a movie theater, again for the same reason.  It always seemed that there were more CANNOTS than there were CAN DO’S.  I wasn’t one to rebel as some of my other sisters did.  Each of mama’s five daughters chose their own path.  A lot of sorrow and heartbreak was left in their wake.

When I look back and think of the paths each of us followed I realize that a lot of decisions may have been based on all the CAN’T DO’S.  To some, it may have felt that freedom would only come when they left home.  They all left home early in life.  I was the oldest to leave home and I was 19.

The history I lived through as a child shaped the way I decided to parent.  I know my mother was up against a lot of obstacles in her life.  She had a less than desirous upbringing with a cruel father, did not finish her high school education, married to get away from home, and ended up in a dreadful marriage herself.  She lived in abject poverty both as a child and as a wife.  She worked hard, was resourceful, and always found some kind of food to put on the table for her six children.  Our brother was the oldest and was out of the house by the time I was five or six years old.  Each sibling’s life is a story all unto its own.  Each story is for them to tell.  I will only tell my story.

I always loved my mother with such intensity as a child, just as I did as an adult.  I never blamed her for doing the best job she knew how to do.  But I knew I desired to do some things differently than how I was parented.  I wanted my children to hear the words “I love you” every single day from my lips.  I wanted to hold them and kiss them and guide them and teach them to do what was right.  Of the two parents, I was the strictest and Dave was the soft place to fall.  Dave and I took parenting classes before we even had children.  We both wanted to know more about how to parent.  We too believed deeply in God, but our God was a more loving and compassionate God than the God my mother and grandfather knew.  My grandfather parented in the same cruel way in which he grew up.  My mama was influenced by the way her parents reared her, but the cruelty she did not pass forward.  But as a legacy of how she was raised, she was unable to express her feelings of love to others.  I wanted something different.  

Years ago when our children were young, our pastor gave an illustration in a sermon about how each generation has influence unto the fifth generation forward, and is the product of up to five generations back.  This gave me great pause for thought.  I definitely knew what I didn’t want to pass down from my heritage.  But I also knew what I wanted to pass forward.  I prayed that God would break the chain of iniquities caused from poverty, lack of education, alcohol, depression, sexual abuse, and sorrow from my past lineage.   I intentionally went forward with this in mind.  I believe God promised me, that inherited past iniquities from the past, would be broken from our children forward.  I still remember that very prayer and that very day God placed that promise in my heart.

Giving our children confidence and hope for a brighter future was one of the gifts I wanted to give them.  I praised them when praise was due.  I encouraged them daily when they became discouraged.  I tried to be available as much as my work and energy allowed.  And rather than have a list of “CAN’T DO’S”, Dave and I chose to couch our words in a positive frame of “think how exciting it will be WHEN YOU CAN…”  One way we did that was to start talking about certain milestones way before they would happen.  We would say such phrases as, “Just think, when you are 16, and can begin dating, we will be able to go shopping for your prom dress…”  We started that kind of forward thinking when they were about 10 or 11 years old.  They always knew that they had CAN DO’S to look forward to.  When they were about twelve years old we would say, “Just think, when  you are 16 years old, and you have enough money to buy your own insurance, you will be able to drive.”  They rarely questioned any of the CAN DO’S.  They had milestones to look forward to.  They worked and started saving their money so they could accomplish those milestones. We did that with bedtimes, with attending certain kinds of functions, and curfews. And we also taught them that new responsibility was added with each privilege.  

And all along the way we purposely tried to build up their positive self-esteem.  The most important thing they walked away with was that they knew they were loved, and they knew how to say “I LOVE YOU”.  That was a phrase I never heard from my mother until she was quite old.  It was only after years of telling her “I love you mama”, over the phone, that one day she said back to me in a very quiet voice “I LOVE YOU TOO”.  Until that day she had always answered, “Oh, okay” or “Me too”.  I also made it my mission to teach her how to hug.  And one day, as an old lady, she hugged me back.  And as she hugged me she whispered in my in my ear “I love you” without any prompting.  I always knew she did, but it was nice to hear. 

If you are a parent of the young, start feeding them hope for their future.  Let them look forward to the milestones instead of always saying “You can’t do this or you can’t do that!”  Teach them early that someday they too will be able to accomplish all the milestones that they see the “older kids” doing.  It goes a long way for making happy children.  Let your eyes light up when they enter your presence and always remember to say, “I LOVE YOU”.

 

FIVE GENERATIONS FORWARD

By Kathleen Martens

March 23, 2016

 

Five generations back

I can’t remember.

I can barely recall

Last December.

 

However I’m told

The influence of past

Still runs in my veins,

And for generations will last.

 

So give it thought

What you pass forward.

For what you say

Is what you’ve heard.

 

And what you speak

Others will say

And onward it goes

Through future days.

 

So do some pondering

To what legacy you live.

Your actions and words

Create the birthright you give.

 

Choose what you leave

For others to follow.

Don’t pass on

What is hard to swallow.

 

If you don’t agree

With those from your past,

Live in such a way

THAT YOUR HERITAGE WILL LAST!

 

7 Daily Steps to Trust in the Lord with All Your Heart

6. Listen to the Holy Spirit

When Jesus promised to send the Holy Spirit to the church, He told His disciples that this Counselor would be their spiritual compass or GPS:

“But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.” (John 14:26) 

As we go through our day, this same Holy Spirit guides us, too. That means we don’t have to go it alone or hope we’re getting it right. No, the Holy Spirit leads us into all truth and protects us:

“Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you—guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us.” (2 Timothy 1:14)

After all, the gift of the Holy Spirit to us believers reminds us that we can truly…

To be continued…

 

GOOD NIGHT AND GOD BLESS YOU!