Monday February 29 2016  YOUR THOUGHTS WILL SPEAK IN SILENT WORD

Today, being the extra day in Leap Year, always reminds me of the presidential race.  And I just realized something this very moment as I typed the above date.  I am already looking forward to four years from now when we will have a new leap year, and a new presidential election.  I know I promised to not get political, but I want it on the record of my blog journal, regardless who is elected, it will be a sad day for me. And regardless of who loses, the greatest loser of all will be our country, The United States of America.

So, on to reality! 

My mother died at age ninety one due to a strangulated hernia that caused gangrene to become sepsis in her entire body.  In other words she died of acute irreversible infection.  My mom also experienced progressive dementia.  When did it begin?  I don’t really think anyone knows with certainty.  Though I was only with her on intermittent visits to Arkansas, I began to notice it after she turned about eighty one or eighty two.  And because my visits had long months in between, I would notice a  progression of the dementia each time I was there.  Before turning eighty she was a bit forgetful, just as most of us become after sixty five or seventy.  She was still able to care for herself, her garden, hold interesting conversations, drive, attend church regularly, as well as devour book after book.  She moved slower, her walking sometimes painful, but every day she was up by the crack of dawn.  By sun up she was in her garden planting, hoeing, snipping, transplanting, and picking huge bouquets of flowers all through the spring, summer, and fall.   She always had a huge fresh flower arrangement in the middle of the table by breakfast time.  So many times it were so big that one could not see who was sitting across the table.  The first person who happened by to visit usually received the flowers as a gift to take home.  When someone came by later she would go out with the guest as they were leaving and pick them a fresh bunch of her beautiful flowers. 

Mama’s flowers were her gift to the world.  And then one day she went out to weed and upended all of her little sprouts, unbeknownst to her.  Over the course of time is was obvious that she no longer knew which seedling was a flower and which was a weed.  Her gardening days were over.  She lived with her sister who owed the property.  Her sister, being ten years younger, understood what was happening to my mother.  Both their mother and their mother’s mother exhibited the same symptoms at about the same time in their lives.  And after that, things changed for mama.  This happened in her early eighties.  By eighty five my mother no longer knew who I was.

When mama was seventy nine years old she announced to everyone that it would be her last year of driving.  She had given some thought to her progressing years, and realized she was no longer “a spring chicken” (her words).  Mama decided that she would extend her car insurance so she would be covered for three months past her eightieth birthday.  She would then have time to sell her car while it was still insured.  And true to her word, on her eightieth birthday, she gave up her driver’s license and never drove another day in her life.  She had her car checked out, and cleaned up, and then placed an ad in the newspaper.  It sold on the first day of the ad.  Her life was different after that.  She knew she would no longer be able to attend the church she had been so involved with for the past twenty five years.  Now she would be a passenger in her sister’s car and would attend the church her sister attended which was in the opposite direction from her place of worship.  That was hard for her, but she did it without complaint.  She decided ahead of time what her attitude would be.

Even prior to giving up her driver’s license my mom knew the tail end of her life was being lived.  She began sorting through all of her personal belongings.  Some she gave away, some she saved to give to her children and grandchildren.  My greatest sadness was when she went through all her personal correspondence, read every single piece of mail one last time, and then burned everything that she believed was too private for others to read.  She possessed very old letters and documents that she thought would cause sorrow to others, and she never wanted another eye to “set upon the pages”.  There was always so much heartache that she and her siblings shared through letters and she did not want any of the writer’s descendants to know what their parents and grandparents had said in the privacy of a personal letter to her.  Oh how I would have loved to have known those secrets!  I think that must be the “writer” in me.  There was no changing mama’s mind.  As I look back, I do believe that some of her dementia had already started and was in its early stages.  And then again, perhaps she was exhibiting much more wisdom than I will probable ever aspire to. 

Mama would become quarrelsome when someone confronted her with facts she no longer remembered.  Subtle changes at first, but unrecognizable to herself and most others around her.  But as the years rolled by it became more obvious to others that she could no longer make her own decisions and had to have someone with her at all times.  As subtle changes escalated, I do believe that even mama became aware of something happening within herself.  We found notes left behind in her dwelling that attest to the fact that she felt like she was “losing herself”.  The notes are heartbreaking to read. 

I said all of the above in order to arrive at the ultimate discourse of this blog.  This morning Dave and I were discussing our future and what we need to be aware of and what we need to be prepared for.  Yes, we are already a bit slower in both body and thoughts.  Yes, we both feel as if we still have some good years ahead of us.  Realistically, we both understand that what happened to my mom could happen to one, or both of us.  My mother never agreed that she was changing and needed help in making her decisions.  Finally when it was no longer feasible for her to manage her own decisions, someone else had to step in and make the decisions for her.  Was it easy?  No, neither to mama or my two sisters who took over her care.  But it was determined by all of her children that mama no longer had a voice in the matter.   In other words, mama no longer had a vote.

This morning as Dave and I discussed this scenario in our lives Dave said something profound and sobering. He said to me, that should one of us exhibit dementia, regardless of who it is, that person will not have a vote.  In other words it will not be the one who is exhibiting the symptoms that can vote on whether or not it is true.  That sentence alone gave me the topic for this blog.  What if it were me?  When you put yourself into the first person of that scene, all of a sudden it becomes a big issue.  How do we prepare for that possibility?  Can we prepare for that possibility?  I think there should be some thought and discussion that goes into that possibility.  We long ago decided that we want to be as prepared as we can be, regardless of how our ending years play out. 

I believe it is important to discuss these matters while we are still of sound mind and good judgment (assuming that time has not already passed).  We need to convey how we want our lives handled and to give permission to the one that must make the decisions as to when and how the one with dementia will be cared for.  We need to give our consent now, while we can still make sound judgement calls.  Dave needs to know how I will take care of his situation and he needs to give me input as to how it should be handled, even when he may no longer have sense enough to agree.  And I must do vice versa.  Realities and decisions such as this are not pleasant to think about, much less discuss.  But I really do believe pre-planning should be discussed and brought out into the open.  And if you are a single person, you should have someone you trust enough to have power of attorney over your health.  And your wishes should be discussed while your mind is healthy and you can make some of the decisions of where you might go or who would handle setting up personal care.  And make certain your legal affairs are in order with trusted trustees and a trusted and competent attorney who is YOUNGER THAN YOURSELF.

I made up my mind to enter these years with a good attitude, with a love for life, and a zest for living.  I also want to enter into them without clutter in my home.  My mother was wise.  She relived her past through her letters and she gave relics of her past to those she loved.  She enjoyed the two passions of her life, both God and gardening, with constant attention to both, as long as it was possible.  She was most content if she were employed in doing something constructive.  As crippled as her hands were, she would sit in the kitchen and peel peaches by the hour during canning season.  As feeble as she was she would be right in the middle of harvest, culling bushels of black eyed peas for winter dinners.  She would scrape corn off the cob until she no longer had the strength to do it.  And she never complained.  Again, she chose her attitude.

And eventually, the life she knew and loved, was over.  And she no longer had a vote.

I wonder how long I will have a vote?

Be ready people.  Think about these things.  Don’t let life happen around you, instead, become involved with what is happening.  Be real and true to yourself.  Give as much of your heart as possible to others, and accept the graciousness and heart of those who love you.  And most of all, make your decisions now, while you still have the ability to do so.  Make your vote count while you still have a voice.

AND THE PLEASURES OF LIFE…

By Kathleen Martens

February 29, 2016

Life is too short to waste an hour.

Boost yourself, hang on to your power.

Someday your voice may not be heard

Your thoughts will speak in silent word.

Do what you can to stay healthy and strong,

Tuck in your heart a happy song

Live life to the fullest, each and every day,

And speak the words, you yearn to say.

Life has a way of ending too soon,

Allow in your heart a lovely tune.

It takes so little to find joy and peace,

That pleasures of life seem to increase.

Good night and God bless you.