Tuesday August 11, 2015 Whimsical Words

 

I am at a loss for words!  It been a long, long day.  I just asked the Lord to give me the words He would have me write this day to share with others.  I truly am at a loss for words.

This day started as usual, lots on my agenda, places I had to be, exercise, wedding design, (that was my main plan) and one phone call later and my day is gone.

Kia (which I drive) had recall notice for my year of car.  The undercarriages were rusting and we were required to bring them into the dealership and have them undercoated with a black, sticky, tar-like substance.  That was first on my list at 9:00 a.m.  I was able to do some shopping at a hardware store on the way so I at least accomplished one thing on my list.  Then I dropped off the car, which would take about 90 minutes to do.  I asked the shuttle service to drop me off at the gym, planning to have them pick me up the same place.  The technician called to inform me that my car had some additional work that needed to be done so it was going to take 3 hours.  The shuttle would not be able to pick me up for quite some time so I called Dave to come and take me home.  He did.

As soon as I arrived home I received a phone call from a Children’s Hospital with a newborn baby that would be taken off life support and asked for my photographic service.  They called me back later to say they were ready.  I didn’t have a car but Dave said to take his.  I thought I’d be home in time to have the shuttle come and pick me up and take me back to the dealership.  WRONG!  I arrived at the hospital early afternoon and did not leave until almost 6:00 p.m.  The baby was still on life support when I left.  He was basically breathing on the respirator with a pacemaker stimulating his heart.  He lived like that for 6 weeks.  My heart was just torn out to see the grief, especially that of the father.  It is much easier to handle a situation like that for an hour or so, but after so many hours my heart just feels the pain so deeply.  I think about the fact that the parents have lived it for the past 6 weeks, not just a few hours.  I had to leave so I could get to the car dealership so I could check my car out of the service department before they closed because I have a doctor appointment in the morning to have my sutures removed so I needed to pick up the car tonight.  It was 7:00 p.m. or later before I arrived home.  Then Dave got in his car, and I drove us back to the dealership (about an hour round trip) to retrieve my car.  Then we had dinner and now I am here.  I did a lot of praying while at the hospital to get through this day.  No matter how many babies I take photos of, it is never easy!  God gives me peace and assurance that the babies are with him, but it is the grief of the parents that is so sad to me.

I had an emergency C-section with my son who was two months early.  I will never forget awakening from anesthesia (yes, I had to be put under because of convulsing) and looking into Dave’s sorrowful eyes as he told me our son was not expected to make it through the night.  I closed my eyes, shut out the world, and fell back into the anesthesia’s deep place of darkness.  We had our own days of pain, anxiety, and for me, deep sad depression and anger toward God.  That was truly a deep valley that I went through at that time.  When I was deposited at home eight days later I was so sick and depressed that I could only minimally function.  Our son had been transferred immediately to a Children’s Hospital after birth and I was left languishing in the hospital where he had been born.  Noise and interruptions constantly around me as I was in a room with 3 other beds, 3 newborn babies, and this happened with a total of 12 healthy newborns going through the hospital room while I was hospitalized.  On the day of my release Dave picked me up, dropped me off at home and had to leave immediately.  I was home alone in the silence with no baby to hold. Dave had already missed so much work he had to go back to work the day he dropped me off at home.  I could barely get out of bed.  I was a wreck.  We had no family in southern California where we lived at the time.  Later that day, alone, angry at God, I  cried and screamed and railed at God asking him how he could allow this to happen.  Why?  I just could not accept the fact that I could possibly lose our son.  How could God do that to me?  I knew this would be the only pregnancy I could have and now I would not even have a baby after going through such a difficult pregnancy for 7 months.  Even today I cannot express in words how deep was my pain and how deeply I was wounded.  That day had a great impact on me for the rest of my life.  After my sobbing was spent, my body exhausted, I just stood alone in an empty house and something came over me that was so profound.  All of a sudden I had a glimpse of what it must have been like for God to see His Son die upon the cross.  I remember asking God, “God, is this how you felt when you gave your Son to die on the cross for the sins of the world?”  It was an agony I could not describe that came from my inmost being.  I felt so humbled and unworthy to think that I had just railed at God believing that He did not know how I felt or He would not allow me to go through it.  I then spoke out loud again to God, “Lord, I would have rather have known my baby these past seven months living inside me than to not ever have known him at all.  Thank you God for the beautiful experience of the creation of life and I give my son back  to You now.”   And in my heart I did just that.

A lot of years have passed since our son was born.  The words may not be verbatim, but they are what I remember my meaning being.   I went to bed exhausted.  The depression left me that day and my joy returned.  I was still weak, recovering from a physically stressful pregnancy.  Later in the evening I received a call from NICU.  This is the first thing the nurse said after identifying herself, “We don’t know what happened…” (And my heart knew that our son had died) “…but your son has made a 180 degree about face.  His kidneys are functioning, we have taken him off oxygen, his color is good, his blood work show his infection is improving…”  She said much more, but I was just so ecstatic with the news that I don’t think I heard much more.  He still had some difficult days ahead but from that moment on I knew that God had given him back to me.  On the same day I turned him over to God, God looked into my deep sorrow and restored our son to us.  To me, it was truly a miracle!

This experience was one of those pivotal moments in my life that changed the course of my direction. I could not do today what I do with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, if I had not gone through that experience.  My son lived but I suffered his death many times over. Because of this experience God has given me a heart of compassion for parents for the parents who are going through one of the greatest sorrows a parent can face, that of losing their precious child.

I look back over my life and see how God paved the way for me to go through doors today that I would never have gone through had He not prepared me for it years ago.

Isaiah 61:3 (NIV)

“…to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.”

 

Romans 8: (NIV)

^“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

 

Genesis 50:20 (NIV) 

^“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done…”

 

I have shared this story over the years with many.  I do hope I have not already written the entire story before in this blog.  If you have read this story, thank you for listening to my heart.  I do not suffer over and over for God’s healing in my life is complete.  It is now my compassion that rises to the surface to help those who are going through a similar circumstance.  My sorrow is for their pain as they are going through during this excruciating time in their lives.

 

I do not share my NILMDTS experiences with Dave.  His heart is still too tender to be reminded of what he experienced personally during this time of our lives to hear any stories.  So I keep it to myself for the most part.  It is a relief to me to write it out.

 

I have written many poems for many little babies who are now in heaven.  Tonight I choose to write something different.  I just have to think of what it will be.

 

WHIMISICAL WORDS

By Kathleen Martens

Aug 11 2015

 

What thoughts do I share

When the hour is late.

My mind is tired

And sleep is my fate?

 

How do I come up with

Something each night

To write as a poem

As sleep I fight?

 

I ask that questions

And words just come

Floating through the air

Just having fun.

 

I pluck each one

Right out of the sky

And smack it on paper

Before it dies.

 

And before long

They all make sense,

…Or maybe not…

If it sounds too dense.

 

Good night.

 

It is time for bed!