Monday July 27 2015  THE BEST COMING OUT

Well, I even surprise myself as I sit here at my rickety table desk on a sunny afternoon.  It is 3:56 p.m. and I am home.  Up, feeling well, (with an icepack hanging under my arm and around my chest) writing my blog.  Yesterday I could only suppose how I would be feeling today.  As Dave said earlier “This is the best coming out party you have ever had!”  He was referring to me coming out of anesthesia.  I have had such horrible reactions in the past that I actually had to be put in ICU on one occasion (and that was with a tonsillectomy at age 26.)  Not fun!

Today was different.  The anesthesiologists (2) who spoke with me really listened to my past history and tried some new techniques and drugs on me.  Whatever they were, they worked marvelously.  When I was wheeled out of my first admittance room I was already off in never, never land.  Don’t even remember Dave walking with me or kissing me before I entered through the surgery doors.  Two hours later I was back in my room with the sounds of life muffled around me as I surfaced from the land of the sleeping.  It’s as if a part of my life didn’t exist.  Total darkness, total unknowing, total nonexistence.  And then, there I was again.  In the past I would surface to dizziness, heaving, and needing to empty my bladder.  Not a good combination.   I have a two hour bladder capacity, day or night.  Just think, I could write a book on how I toured the United States two hours at a time.  I probably saw more than most people because I stopped an average of every two hours.  That was one of the joys of traveling alone.  I had no one to get impatient or peeved at my frequent stops.  It was totally okay with me.  I got along with myself extremely well.

Back to today.  I slowly came to life, quickly used a bed pan and then enjoyed my time of just lying there feeling very good.  I was not allowed out of bed for a couple of hours.  I felt so good.  I actually felt it was probably my duty to feel sick and bad so the nurses could have something to do with me.  But I was all smiles and full of conversation.  Dave was my listening ear.  I was so pleased with the outcome of how I felt and the outcome of the surgery I think I was almost euphoric.  Euphoric, meaning all of these things in the Thesaurus:  overjoyed, elated, ecstatic, joyful, enraptured, excited,  and exhilarated.  So yes, I mean I was EUPHORIC in all of these definitions.

My surgery went well.  Both masses were removed through one incision.  The doctor spoke to Dave and said he was pleased at how the surgery turned out.  My breast is intact, the tumors are gone, and I am so happy to have these results.  The prayer, that my prayer warrior friend Judy, prayed over me addressed all of the issues concerning the surgery.  And I know my other prayer warrior friend Lana in New Mexico had prayed the same prayer over me.  The prayer that God would protect me during surgery and allow those tumors to be removed and that I would not need a mastectomy.  There was a lot more to the prayers and I believe that God has answered theirs, mine, and others who have been praying for me.  Yesterday Judy actually prayed that I would come out of surgery without any sickness or problems like I always had in the past.  And boy, was that ever the case.  Dave said he just prayed the prayer of thankgiving to God for good results during the surgery.  Well, he got a good report from the Doctor.  I am so glad I did not spend time worrying about this the past four months, but I am still glad it is over.

When I walked into my house when we returned home from the hospital, for the first time since I have arrived home, I actually felt like I was home.  It was a very interesting feeling and a surprising one.  I hadn’t realize that I hadn’t actually “felt” at home yet.  When I came home on July 1^st it was to an empty house as Dave has a previous standing engagement every Wednesday night.  Though the house looked the same, it needed a little TLC that only a woman’s touch can give.  Since I’ve been here a few things have been done, like cleaning, tidying, lingering cooking smells, carpets cleaned, chandelier polished, everything dusted, and the house rearranged a bit to declutter.  It once again had a lived-in atmosphere present, as if its arms were opened to welcome me home.  I had clean sheets waiting on the bed (as my husband had also done) but my pillow was now in place waiting for me.  I was home.  I was home without the looming possibility of all the what if’s that loomed ahead,  I was home without some of the pressure of the photo work yet to do that I have accomplished over the past couple of weeks.  I was home because my clothes were all clean and ironed and in the closets.  I was home because I had a refrigerator full of prepared foods for the “invalid” I thought I’d be this week.  I was home because I no longer had so many pressing things to do BEFORE the surgery to get ready and prepared for my convalescence.  Expectations I had put on myself because I thought that was what I was supposed to do.  Now I wonder.  I’m thinking about dropping a few expectations I have placed on myself.  And all these thoughts have spilled out of me just this afternoon when I walked through our garage, through the back door into the home that Dave and I have lived in for 29 years.  And I think maybe I am home because I no longer have the immediate threat of walking into our home with all the what ifs there could have been.  What if I had to have the total mastectomy.  What if I really did have cancer lurking in the breast?  Those thoughts lurked around every once in a while.  I knew they were possible threats.  Overall I think I am feeling relief.  I didn’t realize what kind of a burden I may have been carrying around in the silence of my heart.  I know I am in God’s hands but sometimes, if I am honest, there are occasional lingering doubts that the Devil would blow through my mind.  I would just claim God’s peace and all doubts would disappear.  I am so thankful for God, through the good times, the bad times, the hard times, He is always with me.  I thank all of you who prayed for me.  I am home now.  Truly home.  Not just physically, but I am home in my heart.

HIS LOVE IS SO DEEP

By Kathleen Martens

July 27, 2015

In the shadows of my heart

Is there the hidden

That stays so silent

It is forbidden?

Forbidden to show

The truth of thought

That one hides,

That one has fought?

Where does it lurk

But in the darkest place,

Inaccessible to reach

In that prohibited space?

But there is One

Whose arms are so wide,

Whose grasp so strong

He can reach inside.

He will bring to surface,

Help make things right,

All that needs cleaning

By His Holy light.

There is absolutely nothing

That He does not know.

To every prohibited place

He speaks and it goes.

No secret too big

That He will not forgive

When we ask Him to come in,

And in our hearts live.

He will give us strength,

And his wisdom bestow,

His word He will speak,

And His voice we will know.

So dump at His feet

All that junky stuff

That makes living life

Ever so rough.

His peace is perfect

Beyond understanding.

His love is so deep

And ever expanding.

**********************

Perhaps I had a bit of doubt lurking where it should not have been.  I thank God for His healing touch even when I may have harbored some doubts.  I didn’t really realize I was harboring the thoughts until I realized it today.  When I ask God to do things, and then He does them, why am I then so surprised?  Sort of like when my hearing was healed.  Why did I just not expect it?  And when it happened, why did I not even realize what was happening sooner?  Maybe because I am human.  And to think that God still heals me and just keeps on loving me just as I am.  The same way He love you.

I turn my calendar over to read the little stanza on July 27.  Here is the wisdom from my calendar today.  

The truth of Christianity is not a secret which is hidden; it is a secret which is revealed. 

Now for my comment: If you have the love of the Lord in your life, don’t hide it under a basket.  Go and reveal God’s love to others.  Well I love the Lord and I send that Love to all of you!

Signing off!  I think I shall rest, but only because I know I must be good to my body.

The above sentence prompted a search of an email written to me about a blog I wrote on July 16th.  It was sent to me by my sister Velma.  Velma, I do so appreciate the wisdom of your words in regards to how quickly each day goes and how busy I always seem to be.  I take this wisdom to heart.  Thanks for  your comments.  Here is the insert:

“Blog 7/16/15: You will find the days will fly by faster each year and is never long enough. Unless you let yourself get too tired and try to continue without resting; that is the only time when time drags. When you think you need to perform physically as your 30-year-old self and of course you are twice that age you will need to re-evaluate; you MUST take care of yourself. You can’t take care of others without taking care of yourself. You will find when you get a little older routines are necessary otherwise, your physical functions rebel, your timing is off and it can affect your sleep.”

Dave was a pillar of strength today.  I know he is still not up to par and recuperating slowly yet he gave is all.  Other than when I was in surgery he was by my side.  It is difficult for him to not have the place to put his leg up for short rest periods.  It makes all the difference in the world as to how fast he is healing.  So…we must both take care of ourselves so we can take care of each other.  I love having my man around to take care of, and having him around to take care of me.  It feels so good to know how much you are loved!  And he shows it everyday in so many little (and big) ways.  Sometimes it is just the little ways that count so big.

I’M DONE!!! 7:12 p.m.